A story is told of a man who kept a dog, took care of it as if it were his child. The man loved the dog, a love so strong that he could not let the dog out of his sight. A love so selfish that when he took it out for walks, the dog would be punished for responding to another’s bark, or trying to sniff the neighbour’s bitch; actions that held the possibility of the beast discovering there’s more to the world than his captor. In the man’s mind, the relationship he had built with the animal guaranteed unyielding loyalty and longevity. But a canine is born to roam and bark and sniff the neighbourhood bitches. A caged dog is an angry dog, a dangerous beast. Unless you intend to breed it into a lethal weapon against your foes, we all know how it ends: In premium tears.
Let’s talk about humans and the elusive idea of monogamy. We are definitely not canines, we boast of bigger brains, both in size and ability, therefore when our owners let us out we are required to THINK. This is why I do not understand how for thousands of years the most intelligent of species continue to enforce a social structure that over and over has failed to pass the sustainability test.
Monogamy as a concept is a cute idea. The thought of having someone who belongs to only you and builds their entire existence around you can be quite appealing. Feeds your ego, inflates your sense of importance and purpose. A potent concoction of the illusion of ownership and power over an entire human; of unwavering loyalty. So cute, yet so impractical.
If approached carefully and with consideration for another, ethical non-monogamy can be what the human race has been needing all this time.
Back to Edgar and his alleged exposes. I feel bad for the families and close allies of the people at the centre of the scandals. It is on these people that the hottest flame burns. As the clownery is fuelled; tweeps against the celebrities, celebrities against Edgar, Edgar against tweeps, it bleeds most on the families and close friends’ corners. Especially the wives, who I suppose signed up for an exclusive monogamous union. Lo and behold, Owino has his hand in the cookie jar! ‘It will only be you and I against the world my love’, they were promised. It is you and them in the front alright, but with a secret bunch of beauties massaging his head at the back. Which is only a problem because it is not what you signed up for because we continue to stick our heads in the sand and sign up for a relationship structure that has seen less nearly zero success rate.
This is not about men. If I make it about men, it will then mean I believe women are monogamous. Monogamy is impractical on any gender; women have only been raised to be ashamed of expressing interest in more than one partner. Even presently, most of those who are open to non-monogamous relationships keep it on the down-low, lest they are shamed and shunned.
This is also not advocacy for polygamy, because then it would mean I advocate for the institution of marriage. An institution that can be so beautiful, so fulfilling if done right. Yet an institution we have dumped so much shit on that the generations coming after millennials will probably only read about marriage in books. And guess where a lot of that shit stems from? The idea that monogamy works.
I listen to the wedding(Christian) vows and I love them. I love the promise man and wife make to one another. To love and to cherish, for better for worse. I love all of that, and I think everyone should experience a love so true as depicted by those words. But what happens soon after the vows are exchanged? What changes? Because if monogamy worked, then your problems as a couple should not be about someone sleeping with Jane at the office. Your low moments should not be because Owino is cheating. Yet INFIDELITY continues to stay strong as the top cause for divorce in the world!
What happened to your cute little monogamous arrangement?
We need to move from the lies we tell ourselves. The promises we make to each other are true and achievable, yet we willingly stain them with a ludicrous concept that can only work if you intend to marry your garden of flowers.
I acknowledge there are people who are truly monogamous, and I strongly advise that these small group of people, only couple up with those who are alike. It will save us all the buckets of tears.
For the larger population who are non-monogamous, there are healthy options you can explore. If approached carefully and with consideration for another, ethical non-monogamy can be what the human race has been needing all this time.
May we stop lying to those who seek monogamy that we will offer them the same. When the truth is we only love is the idea of having someone to ourselves, the illusion of power, and total control. The security of an exclusive union.
Such a shame.
This article was originally published on nairobicool.com(https://nairobicool.com/the-elephant-in-the-room-that-we-are-ignoring-in-the-edgar-obare-exposes/), on 29th May 2020. It is re-published here by permission, and to use it in part or whole, you are advised to contact the Nairobi Cool team