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You Cannot ‘Cheat’ Your Way into Ethical Non-Monogamy

I wrote an article here on why we should consider embracing ethical non- monogamy as a long-term solution to the buckets of tears cried in these social media streets daily. A significant number of people, especially men, misconstrued the article to mean cheating is a natural human condition, with ludicrous comments such as ‘no man is monogamous’, and ‘white people brought monogamy upon us’. 

We can have the conversation on religion and its impact on our romantic relationships, what we will not discuss is your belief that a particular gender is ‘naturally’ predisposed to being non-monogamous, and therefore in a monogamous setting, cheating from their end is a given. Please, Sir, you are not cheating on your lover because you are non-monogamous, but because you are a disrespectful twat. I hereby request you not to use that article to support your shenanigans. 

It is interesting how fast we were to conveniently leave out the word ‘ethical’ in that conversation and were quick to justify our collective bad behaviour and declare ourselves non-monogamous. So now that you know you are non-monogamous, why do you keep partnering with those who seek monogamous unions? Because ethical non-monogamy requires the knowledge and consent of all partners involved. Why then, do you date and even marry, those who prefer an exclusive union? Ah, I’ll tell you why, because you want to have it all. Experience the best of both worlds, on your own terms. Your non-consenting partners are just collateral damage in your quest for the great beyond. 

You know what’s even sadder? That the concept of ethical non-monogamy sounds most ludicrous to those who believe they are ‘naturally’ predisposed to have multiple partners, and so the world should understand and get on with it. A lot of us would rather enter a monogamous relationship, and secretly ‘eat’ outside. Sad because the idea of disrespecting our partners sounds more palatable than being honest with them and allowing them the opportunity to decide if they still want to partner with us or not. The concept of monogamy appeals to us for very selfish reasons. 

Cheating will never be excusable. As I had stated in the first article, we are the most intelligent of animals and therefore the choices around our romantic relationships are very deliberate and thought out. You can’t t be walking down a street and suddenly fall into Awino’s genitals. Please. 

Consideration for honest, open relationships will go a long way in helping solve the top cause for marital, and in general, relationships conflict in the world today. Ethical non-monogamy takes away power from the cheats. The power to plaster that smirk on their faces after a secret romp because they just did you dirty. The power that Edgar Obare’s Hide My ID battalion seems to have over relationships in this city. The power of public shame and pity because your person was with someone else behind your back. When you’ve had honest conversations with your partner and reached an agreement; you have nothing to hide, nothing to defend, and nothing to protect. You have freedom. 

Let us not use silly arguments such as ‘our ancestors married up to 10 wives and lived happily’, to defend our bad behaviour today. Let us question how these systems worked for then, WHY those ancestors were scrambling for wives, and why this particular family setup cannot, for the most part, work today. Instead, let us be open to considering healthy options and sustainable alternatives available.  

Most of us are not monogamous, that is a fact. One partner forever and ever is a lie that we need to stop spreading. However, all of us can stay open and respectful of our partners. It is not the easiest conversation to have, but one whose time has long been overdue. 

You cannot cheat your way into ethical non-monogamy. You have to be at a point where you have nothing to hide, nothing to protect and nothing to defend. 

You have to be a free man. 

This article was originally published on nairobicool.com(https://nairobicool.com/you-cannot-cheat-your-way-into-ethical-non-monogamy/). For permission to use in part or whole, please contact the author Lovine Mboya on niaje@lovinemboya.co.ke, or Nairobi Cool team.

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