I am quite off- in the sense that I can tell that I’ve been holding in so much tension, borderline anger, and it is all threatening to explode. I am not happy about a couple of things, and I feel like I brush away so many things when they happen, and imagine I have moved on, when I really haven’t. It all settles somewhere in the pits of my tummy, or my heart, and when triggered, I can feel it all threatening to spill over.
In the past I have been quite an easily irritable person. But over time, I learnt to yes, get irritated (I really have no control over that) but not deal with things. Brush them off and move on. I thought this is what growing up means. And it is growing up, I mean choosing your battles and all. But I also realize sometimes your irritants take it as a go-ahead to do it all over again. It is taken as a sign of weakness.
I recently had an altercation with a friend, well, ex-friend now because I never want to deal with them again, and after it I sort of felt bad. For a moment I went back to my default settings of taking bullshit, and feeling guilty for calling it out. This person had crossed a boundary again, not the first time, or second. It had become a habit. And here I was, feeling bad for calling it out. I wrote down every single thing they had done before that hurt me and that I had clearly communicated, and that they had still gone ahead and had the audacity to repeat. I read them out, and didn’t feel bad after all. They deserved my nasty. I think I would do it all over again.
The fire in my belly should be a fire of my dreams, my goals, my vision for my new baby Alovo. I mean, we are only 2 months in, that should be the only thing on my mind now, no? But life strives to be wholesome, and the fact that a dream of yours is coming to life does not mean you are exempted from the daily bull. You still have to deal, man.
This year I have been letting go of friendships (imagined friendships, rather) that I had believed would last forever. It has been difficult, and we don’t speak enough of the heartbreak that comes when friendships die. You see those quotes on letting go of toxic people (and sometimes that is you) and you imagine it is something you wake up and just do. Well, maybe for some people it is that easy. But if you had emotionally invested yourself in a friendship, that shit hurts man. Breaks your heart to pieces. It has been necessary though, and I know I will miss vibing with some people, but I would rather we celebrate and honour each other from a distance.
There’s an exhaustion that has been travelling through my body lately. My bones are cranky, my feet are slow and heavy, my arms feel sore. I have been promising to get myself an intense full body massage soon. I don’t know if my body is allowed to start behaving this way in my 20s. I am almost in the late years, but surely, can’t this wait till outside is opened and I have twerked away to Sauti Sol’s new album at a live concert before the cranky bones set in? Ah.
What worries me even more is the exhaustion I feel in my heart. I am just tired. I want rest. And not temporary good night’s sleep, or a day or two away from work rest. I need a month away from having to deal with life. Months, if possible. I want to just exist. To just be. To not have to do or be or say or go anywhere to see nobody and nothing. I want freedom. I want nothing required of me and no consequences for it. Is that too much to ask? Of course. We are just born to suffer.
I am trying to not make this article a rant. Because I vowed to not go through this short life complaining and whining. Bad things happen. Good things happen too. It is life. It is what it is. The fires in my belly right now might be of tiredness and borderline anger, but who’s to say they won’t be of my dreams and goals tomorrow?
I saw this quote on the internets that I thought interesting…
‘This is life. People will screw you over. You’ll fight with your family. You’ll witness things that will change you forever. You’ll blame new lovers for things old lovers did. You’ll lose best friends you thought would always be there. You’ll come to realize that everyone has a past. You’ll cry, you’ll laugh, and you’ll embarrass yourself. But then, you’ll find your very own moment where none of that matters; where you can sit back and realize that crap happens to the people who can handle it and this is who you are, and that no one should want to change you, including yourself’.