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Where to, From Here?

Happy New Year!

Yuuh! I’ve been putting off writing this article, but if we go beyond January I will definitely not write it so, here we are!  

Let’s first take a moment to wish me a belated happy birthday! January 10th is the day this awesomeness landed in this chaotic space called dunia (damn Lovine, are you in high school writing those dedix notes!). I am now in my late 20s, sort of- a reality that petrifies me. I tell myself surely the longer people live, the older they grow. It happens naturally. It is beyond us all. It is what it is. But I don’t like that it is so here we are. I am a first born, and a Capricorn, and an INFP- T, so you can imagine the millions of internal crises I face daily, wondering if my existence has been worth it so far. If I really have purpose. If I am where I am supposed to be. I f I am WHO I am supposed to be right now. If this is it?

Anyway, I spent a better part of December holidays at my grandma’s house. This time the extended fam didn’t show up. Interesting because showing up was tradition for many years. When the first sons got jobs in the big city, and every Christmas would shoo us their children to celebrate Christmas with the larger family. This is how it has always been, yes? Yet it is no more. I would have blamed it on corona, but I have seen this reality happen over and over again. I must have written about it back in 2015. It is only getting worse. Some of my uncles haven’t been seen in years! Yuuh! The only constant thing in life is change. Times have changed, and so have the people.

Anyway, while in shagz there are a few things I came to accept as additional realities, especially about myself. Oh wait, first, I was very pleased to learn that we have fast internet, and even better, cyber cafes in my village! This is something I had totally not EXPERRED, and was very happy to know I can work efficiently while there! Good job Jo-Kodera!

Anyway, I came to accept that I can’t survive in shagz for an extended period of time. Look, I am those babes who spent a good chunk of their formative years in that forest ( I legit come from a forest), fetching water from the river, cooking using the kendo, sometimes going to the puodho and all. So I could say there’s a part of me that has the grit- the ability to weather the tides. But today- only for a brief period. Literally 2 days max. I was almost going into a depressive state imaging living one more hot day cooking in all that smoke and live fire 🤣. And this is considering the fact that I didn’t even have to cook more than twice my entire stay, yet I am complaining! I am an exhausted being, generally. If I can make my life easier, I quickly take the opportunity.

Thing two; I have accepted that I for sure cannot sleep with lights off. And darkness is not my friend. I thought this is something I’d get over the older I grow. I was busy begging people to come sleep next to me in my grandmother’s house, because surely with all the funny sounds outside and the purring cats how do I know I am safe? What if those night runners come and start pelting the roof with stones? (No one has seen one in years but my mind goes on overdrive when darkness strikes). I survived beyond a week because my cousins accepted to indulge my fears and worries, and sleep next to me. Yuuh!

On a serious note though, the most important takeaway lesson for me this past December, is to choose the peaceful path, even when chaos looks so enticing. Especially when it comes to family. I consciously made decisions that ensured I travelled upcountry to rest, and to breathe, and to connect, and live. Gone are the days you travel home to labour and toil as the more privileged children sit and bask in the sun beating stories. We are too grown for that shit honestly. Cooking and slaving away for your uncles and brothers because it is what women do. Nope. Not happening. Those days are gone.

I am learning more and more to take up space, to openly and confidently choose what works for me, to love my people and care for them, but not let this mean I cannot also do what’s in my best interests. I’d like to tell myself again now in this article that I can, and I will. I also deserve nice things in this life. I also deserve to be happy. I deserve to be heard. I deserve to be loved. I deserve family. I am not a child of a lesser God. I should not live like one.

I have many fears. Too many fears and worries for someone my age to be quite honest. I am constantly overthinking something, fretting about another, tears welling up in my eyes over this and that. But more than ever, I am consciously making decisions that work for me, and at the same time hurt no one. Hurt no one because the people in my life matter to me and I love them. I just need them to love to me enough to let me breathe.

I have been reading a bit of content on my zodiac sign. Found quite a lot of truth in there. On how constant worry and fear taints our lives. How we feel too old even when we are 10 and that time is running out. I swear I always feel like time is running out. That I should be doing something more. Something bigger. Yet I am not. The worst bit is, I seem to be losing interest for bigger and better by day. I am in this constantly exhausted space that I don’t know how to navigate out of. In my mind, I know I can, and I should. But mentally and in reality, sigh.

I just want rest. I want it easy for once. Surely life cannot be just this. There has to be more. There is more.

There has to be different jameni! Somewhere. Hey 2021, is this the year?


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